Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Having a family history of mental illness is never something that you want to share with anyone. Unfortunately, I have mental illness on both sides of my family, so it’s not really taboo to say that I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depression and that I used to fixate on suicidal thoughts.

I have already spoken about my suicidal fixations, so I’m going to talk about quite literally when I thought about giving up on life.

That’s right – just stop caring and let everything fall where it may.

This happened right after this event last summer. Just a warning – it’s a rather intense topic and if you’re under 18, please don’t click that link. 

Lets just say that it broke my heart many times over and I stopped caring. I stopped showering. I stopped caring about what I ate and would consume vast amounts of really terrible comfort foods. I would live in my pajamas and never leave the house.

I couldn’t. My heart broke every time that I went outside because there would be children everywhere I went. Even grocery shopping was too much for me because I’d see the baby products.

I would get mail from the various clubs that I’d subscribed to with free products. Every time I received one of these packages, my heart sank to the floor and I gave up again.

I stopped being able to care for myself. I stopped caring about caring for myself. I gave up.

Even now, I’m really trying not to focus on what I went through over the past year and how much it still kills me. I’m trying every day not to give up and to try to grasp on to the idea of living.

While I’ll never stop loving what I lost, I’m ready to move on now.