Day 14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear AJ,

When I wracked my brain to find someone who could fit the description for this letter, I went though many different possibilities. My father, my mother, and even some idols that I’ve looked up to as I’ve grown as a person.Ebony

It’s odd to say that your best friend is your hero – but I looked up to you in all things. You took me in when you didn’t have to, and I’m forever grateful to you for doing that. I’m pretty sure that I would have worn a bracelet that said W.W.AJ.D? You were living the life you wanted and were doing the things that you wanted to do. You have so much strength and so much ambition that I was awed when we first met. Even now, I strive to be more like that hero-vision I have of you.

Heroes and best friends are tricky like that though and none of them have completely let me down the way you have but that’s not really the point here.

The point is that you let me down as my best friend. None of what happened was your fault, and the outcome would have been perfectly fine with me as well if you had decided to just talk to me about it. The fact that you led three personas at the same time really astounded me.

  1. You were my best friend, telling me things that our other friend would say and helping me to stand up for myself and what I wanted despite what ‘the girl rules’ say.
  2. You were the neutral party, a face that kept you approachable  by everyone despite the fact that all of this drama flowed through you, as if you were the hub of all the passive-aggressive bullshit. Everyone would talk to you about the problems, and you would take it upon yourself to communicate that information to the people it was supposed to get to…and then you were surprised when I told our friend what you had advised me. I don’t get it.
  3. You were the mother-friend of our other friend. There’s a difference between being a shoulder to cry on and being a complete source of strength for someone and one of those options really isn’t healthy. There a point where you need to re-direct someone to get the help that they need rather than consoling them because they threw a mentally-unsound shit-fit in the parking lot of Dufferin Mall.

While you are quite passive aggressive, and I am as well, the radio silence from you finally allowed me to see who you really are. I have to say that I’m still shocked after all of it.

I remember the good times and the bad: When you and Frank decided to oust me out of the apartment because we had some sort of spat.

Yet again, because of our passive-aggressive natures, I had to go to drastic measures to find out what you were angry about.

Those spy stores are a great place to shop.

Did it work? Yes. Did we resolve it? Eventually. The resolution was me moving out with Trevor. That was the main reason that I was over there so much, because this spat had re-surfaced and I loved you more than that silly room.

The good times? There were and are so many and that’s what breaks my heart. I missed you and Frank so much. I still miss you.

It’s taken the past year to realize just how much I depended on you for friendship, companionship, and so much more. You are still a really fantastic person and I still recommend your company when I have people inquiring about cake orders.

You just let me down as my hero and my best friend. I feel that I need to re-hash how, since it may have been overlooked in an earlier part of my letter to you. I respect that you made your decision. I admire that you have a backbone. What disappointed me was the fact that you didn’t speak to me after that night when you tore into me. It wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part, but you chose to not have all of the information.

That’s fine. You can hide under your pillow. Without a doubt, you’ve been on this website and you’ve read my posts. You know what I have to say.

I hope you have a nice life. I hope your mum is well.