barrenI ask myself this question over and over again – what would it change, really?

Would I really be unable to move on?

Would I fall into a pit of desperation?

Would I plead to false gods to somehow prove themselves to me?

Would I find life not worth living?

Every time I find myself in this strain of thought, I can’t make it stop. It truly is one of my worst fears – not being able to have children. This is the only thing that I want from my life: a family of my own.

I stumbled upon a comic (click to read it!) and I had absolutely no idea what it was about when I clicked on the “Start Here” link. I had no idea what kind of heart-wrenching journey I was going on. It’s a comic and comics are fun, right?

Wrong.

It opens to a heart-breaking background story that almost made me cry. It portrayed a beautiful love a new marriage, soon after they purchased a large house with the hopes of filling the rooms with their large family.

The husband’s disbelief at what was happening during the whole story of the wife’s barrenness made me feel as if my own needs for a family would drive me to insanity, just as they did this old woman.

The was convinced in her old age that she was pregnant and she suddenly have birth to a seed. She nurtured it and loved it. The husband stood back and was convinced that she was nuts.

Little did I know, she wasn’t crazy.

The tree blossomed and children eventually sprung forth as fruit. She knitted them sweaters and eventually the house was full of love and life.

There is a lesson to be learned here – I’m just so self involved that I can’t calm my insecurities enough to figure out what it is.

The reality is too much for me. A life without children; A life without passing on a bit of myself to the next generation. I will be forever stagnant with no lasting contribution to the human race.

A life without children is truly a life without happiness.

Advertisements