Living with a chronic condition, it’s difficult to do what you say you’re going to do.
I told myself that I could do NaBloPoMo and I did (for the most part).
There has been something else at work besides the chronic pain and the bouts of insomnia; besides the day hospital and the change in medication…
There was my depersonalization that turned into a full blown case of nihilism. For those who don’t know what nihilism is, essentially it’s the thinking that you’re going to die one day and never exist ever again so what’s the point?
Suddenly I was dealing with panic attacks where I was terrified that I wouldn’t exist. I was so utterly terrified that I would be without anything at all – no sensation, no pain, no consciousness – that I couldn’t even get passed it.
I was put on Clonazepam for my panic attacks and I’m happy to say that I’m calming down a bit. I haven’t completely gotten over my depersonalization.
It’s a good and a bad thing, really. Not feeling connected to my body has its perks (no sugar cravings) and its fringes (connecting back to my body is bringing back my depression). All in all, this experience has readied me for the time when I can start to deal with some losses that I’ve experienced.
I thought I would never be able to move on. Being disconnected from my body and various thoughts has shown me that I will still be here if I let them go.
Tonight or tomorrow, I will be posting about an experience that still haunts me and probably will haunt me for the rest of my life. I’ve seen that I can move on and live without the constant reminders and always being near tears.
Maybe I can live my life now.