As you may know, I’ve been dealing with Depersonalization for the past month or so. It still hasn’t completely gone away, but now it has moved on to an actual existential crisis.
Apparently, I’ve become a Nihilist. This means that because someday I won’t exist, there’s no point in doing anything.
Well, yes and no.
I’ve been struggling with these thoughts that absolutely terrify me. This terror (which I’ve read can also be described as a primal fear) is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s so raw and upsetting.
I can’t get over the fact that there are no second chances; It’s never too late to do something, but you only get one life.
One day, you won’t exist. Ever again. You will die and this consciousness that you’re living with each day will no longer be. You will never blink again.
I’ve just lost my zest for life because it’s been replaced by terror.
I’ve also been in Day Hospital for Depression and such for the past week and when I went to my caseworker in an attempt to reach out to someone to let them know that I was plagued by this terror, all she said was that it could be the McDonalds that I had for breakfast on Monday coming back to haunt me.