If you follow my blog, then you know that I’ve posted about Depersonalization a few days ago. It was the sudden realization of self; I suddenly became self-aware in the most extreme way possible.
You can see the post here, where I wrote a blog about it while the worst was happening.
It’s really difficult to describe without knowing if this is normal or not – I mean, how do you describe how you experience things. Do you experience life in passing, or are you really in the moment.
I saw my therapist today (well, yesterday) and she really wasn’t very helpful. I tried to explain what was happening and the only thing she could really say was that it would go away once my sleep cycle returned. I left with a prescription and no coping methods. Thankfully, I received a lovely comment on my first post about this and it certainly has been helpful. In my appointment, what was happening to me was the main thing that I wanted to talk about and here’s why:
When it happens, and it certainly relapses, your stomach drops. Suddenly, you realize that you’re actually living you life. It’s not a movie. Everything that you’ve ever done was actually you. You can’t wake up from this and leave the dream behind – this is really it. The pain, the mess, the health issues…it’s all your life. You really don’t see the good in your life because you’re just so in the moment.
Your limbs don’t feel like your own. When you speak to someone, it certainly gets worse since you feel so disconnected. Gabriel would speak to me and I certainly wasn’t listening because I was freaking out in my head, but my body gave the correct answer that Gabriel expected. That freaked me out even more. I could feel my mouth forming words that I hadn’t really decided that I wanted to say.
It’s really weird.
I keep on looking around and saying, this is my life. It’s wonderful, sure. But it’s frightening as all hell!
A great way to put this is to use The Matrix. Everyone is plugged into The Matrix. Suddenly, I’m not. Everything is utterly real and like the slimeball from the first movie, all I want is for life to go back to the way it was. I want my life to go back to feeling like it’s a movie.
This sudden realization and awareness of self is really empowering once you get over the fact that it’s really scary. Unfortunately, interacting with different people has left my personality and my mood something to be desired. I find that I’m almost short with people; getting straight to the point so as to avoid interactions that make the derealization worse.
Is this de-realization or de-personalization? I certainly intend to find out and I also intend to plug myself back into The Matrix.
Here we go.