http://www.whyanxiety.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Derealization.jpg
Credit: http://www.whyanxiety.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Derealization.jpg

 

I’ve had attacks like this before. I’m having one now and I don’t now how to get rid of it. I’ve always tried to do nothing until it goes away, this time will be different. I’ve taken a sleeping pill and I hope to be sleeping soon enough and life will go back to normal.

Have you ever been hyper-aware?

Suddenly you feel like you’re just eyeballs and there is no relief in sight.

Suddenly, you realize that you’re aware of absolutely everything and you don’t know how to get back to that cozy feeling of almost being in a movie…of watching you life and making decisions within it but you’re not aware that you’re aware.

I’m suddenly aware that I have a choice. I have my own thoughts and it’s not just moving through life. This is really odd and certainly difficult to explain.

I was sitting with Gabriel and suddenly I had a deja-vu moment. About three months ago, I had a dream that was a moment in time that just came up. Exactly. This isn’t the first time it has happened either.
Shortly after that, I became hyper aware. I’m so sensitive to the fact that I almost feel like I know what Gabriel is going to say to me yet I feel like he’s outside looking in.

He’s not aware like I am. Somehow, we’re different. How can he not experience this? How did I get like this? How can I make it stop? Is this how he (or other people) sees and experiences his world? Why aren’t I living every day like this?

I’ve had this happen twice before. The first time was when I got high for the first time. I had just finished moving and I decided to take a toke from a friend’s joint; she told me it would help with my pain.

WRONG! 

I had a full psychotic episode and I actually went through four different personalities that evening. It took me two days to recover and for my life not to be hyper-aware.

The time after that, Gabriel had been convinced that I’d been somewhere with him and I knew that I hadn’t. I trust Gabriel with my life and for him to tell me that I was somewhere and I don’t remember being there at all just freaked me out. I felt so detached.

That’s what it is! I’m detached!

Anyone else ever get this? 

I feel like I’m a prisoner inside my own head and yet this is somehow better and worse than not being aware.

I am aware of my pain yet my body doesn’t feel like it’s my own. It feels clumsy somehow. I’m shaking all over and I can’t seem to stop it.

I’m also really cold all of a sudden, so maybe that’s why I’m shaking.

I told Gabriel to leave me alone because his presence was actually making this much worse since it leads to me questioning myself (see above). The world looks so different from where I am. I feel like I’m actually seeing my surroundings for the first time and not really liking what I see yet I have memories of this place that I’m in…good memories…and yet everything seems so…foreign.

I’m actually scared. Not of being hyper aware, but more of where my hyper consciousness goes when I sleep. What happens to my hyper consciousness if I die? Why am I so afraid?

 

P.S. Googling images for this post even being in the state that I am, totally freaked me out.

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