Another day, another frill cut off my jacket. In other words, I’m frustrated.
Sure, so are many other people and for some darned good reasons too. But, I can only speak for myself and I’m frustrated with my body.
Yes, I’m fat.
Yes, I don’t like it.
No, that’s not what this is about.
I’m talking specifically about my Fibromyalgia, Lamp. What a useless name I’ve given to such a useless syndrome.
Why can’t it allow me to say any word backwards or even be able to de-clog drains at an alarming rate?
Instead, I’m in pain constantly.
This isn’t just something to pass over. Yeah, yeah, you’re in pain – well, so am I! It doesn’t work that way. You may be in pain, but surely you must get breaks – when you sleep, perhaps?
My entire body aches with no relief. Medications take a bit of the edge off but I haven’t not been in pain for at least ten years. I can’t actually remember a time when I wasn’t in pain all the time. How sad is that?
Now, I get easily frustrated when my body doesn’t allow me to do things such as: walking, talking, breathing, eating, bathing, sitting, standing, and yes, even laying down. At any moment, my body decides to say, by the way, your back is now in excruciating pain. Kthxbai or even, Oh hai thar! You have a headache that is going to last for the next 36 hours without relief. Oh, and T3s do NOTHING for you. Heh.
These ‘attacks’ are what I have to deal with every day. I get frustrated to the point where the smallest inconvenience ruins my day. An example, I was told the cardoor would be unlocked. It wasn’t. I have to go back for the keys. Walking out here in the first place, going down a set of stairs, took all of my energy. Anything after that is added pain.
Some days I feel like giving up; being dead would mean no more pain to deal with. Most days, I can’t even swallow my pride enough to let my pain through my smile to let others know.
I can only be so strong for so long before I snap.
The only person who really sees me and my frustrations is Gabriel. Why he sticks by me, I’ll never know.