Being angry is something that I’ve had to deal with a lot. I imagine that all of us do at one time, whether it be internal or externally raised anger. My anger tends to focus itself inwardly and it turns to hatred. I admit it freely: Most days, I hate myself.
I hate who I am. I hate who I’ve become. I hate who I will be if I don’t change. I hate where I’ve come from. I hate where I will go. I hate myself.
A lot of this hatred has to do with guilt; of not being able to meet the expectations of others.
Now, I don’t have to tell you that we all have expectations of us: To be a good wife, to be a good mother, to be a good friend, to be a good son…
Sometimes, doing something that makes you happy crushes the expectations of others and destroys how they see you. But in the end, you’re happy. So why do you feel to guilty? Why do you hate yourself? Why are you angry?
I’ve had to deal with all of these questions and more over the past couple of months. I will get around to telling the tale of what has happened, but for now, it’s a little too fresh to be written in an objectionable fashion. All that you need to know is that for once in my life, I am happy. I have lost two best friends (one of more than 4 years) because of it. I have lost my home. I have lost my pets. I have lost my stability. It’s all worth it, because I’m finally free and I’m finally happy.
What would you give up for true happiness?